A very late update!
I was on Blogspot, updating another blog of mine when I saw this one. I almost deleted it without reading, but then curiosity got the better of me. It was like opening the window into my mind all those times ago!
After reading, I felt that I owed the blog an update, at the very least. So here I am!
It's now May 2014 - and in August it will be 3 years since the break-up. I remember at the time, wondering where I would be in 3 years, and if I am honest, I thought/hoped it would be with someone else, and planning for a future together. You know the Rolling Stones song 'You can't always get what you want'? The main lyrics, if I remember rightly, seem to be:
'You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need'
Well, in hindsight I can say that's exactly what's happened to me. Although I haven't wound up with what I wanted - three years on I have what I needed to happen.
So, for a quick rundown on the previous post, this is what has been going on in the life of Mel:
- I did move in with my friend. Not for long though. 3 glorious months spent in her beautiful flat before she announced that she wanted her friend to move in, in the August. I decided I would start looking around for a new place (panicked that I would be moving out on my own, that I had shot myself in the foot, etc. etc.) and managed to find a great houseshare.
- Spent 18 awesome months in that houseshare; sure, the house was lousy in parts and my room was a fraction smaller than a matchbox, but the people made it. We went out until 3 in the morning, ate chips in bed, drank Coronas on the roof of the Anderson shelter in the summer, BBQ'ed every meal we ate in good weather. It was the student-y experience I needed I think. I was also FULLY independent for the first time (well, as independent as you can get when you live 2 miles away from parents). But I had to learn when things needed cleaning, fix things when they broke, ask people for help to fix things, look after all my stuff etc. It felt good.
- I worked really hard at my job some days, and not so much at others. But I learnt lots, and was friendly to everyone I met. Other friends were leapfrogging me in salary, but I knew I was onto a good thing. Not many people enjoy going into work every day, and I wanted that luxury.
- Some friends came and some friend went. I've stayed friends with everyone from skiing (in fact, we have been another 2 times since then - oh yeah, and I've learnt to snowboard!) but others I have naturally drifted apart from. Some old friends have come back into the picture. 'Old Me' (B.B - or before break-up) would have said that you could stay friends with everyone and if you didn't, you were just careless. But i've learnt that you can only be responsible for your side of the friendship. Some have just moved onwards and that's ok. Time has taught me that there is a difference between the real friends and the acquaintances, and whilst I would hope that real friends can weather the test of time, i'm ok with others moving on through life.
- I've dated a bit. Very sporadically though. And i've had my heart broken in a very similar set-up to what happened with S, except that I know this was one of those 'until you learn, you keep making the same mistake' type thing - as much as i instinctively wanted to get straight back into the safety and security of what I had with S, I know it's not right. Sorry, that's quite cryptic. But yes - I've had a couple of godawful blind dates, and a couple through free dating sites (not much better), and a couple of 'lovely but not for me' types.
In the beginning I was doing it to show willing - and because I had this agenda that I 'must find someone and settle down and be normal again like everyone else' - even though I wasn't quite ready. In the last month or two though I have realised that I am ready. For anyone reading this wanting to know 'how do you know?' - it probably varies, but for me, the fact that i am just interested to meet people with no agenda, and get to know them rather than checking that their responses match up with what i expect to hear, is a good sign that i'm open to what might come my way. :)
- The first of the two big announcements in this update comes here - I upped and moved away! Yep, after 27 years (ish) living in Reading, I finally but some big girl pants on and made the move. A combination of things helped to give me a bit of a shove. Although I loved my job, it wasn't really getting me anywhere nutritionally, and i didn't think i wanted to work in marketing. So i was at a bit of a crossroads. I had done my best to ignore that for a bit, but when push came to shove I knew I wanted to use my degree. I started looking for jobs and quickly realised that most of the nutrition vacancies were going to involve a move. I tried not to think about that, but instead just applied for the jobs I was interested in and told myself I would cross that bridge when it came to it. Eventually I was offered a job in London - and I just knew that even though I was scared shitless, I had to do it. Another one of the lessons I have learnt along the way is trust your gut. It knows. And even though my brain had a million billion doubts about the whole thing and could conjure up scenarios and some (pretty good) reasons why I shouldn't do it - when I was alone, in the bath (seemingly where i do all my thinking and decision making) - i knew what i was going to do it.
- The second of the big anouncements is - i'm finally over it. AND, just like all the blogs I read right at the beginning, and the advice columns I clung to for words of wisdom - you don't just wake up and go 'ok i'm over it now, done, bye-bye feelings!' - what happened for me is that I was walking along London's Southbank heading home when I just realised that it has happened. No big fanfare, no pat on the back, not even a feeling of euphoria. Just the slow, creeping realisation that although he had been a big part of my life, and i loved him and no doubt he helped shape me into who I am today - i've moved past that now and i'm living my own life.
Like I say, you don't always get what you want. I haven't met another man who I wish to be with, much less have my life figured out (but i'm beginning to think that's all bogus anyway - i'm much more cynical of those who claim to have their life figured out - are you a fortune teller?!). To be honest i barely know what i'm up to day to day, let alone longer term. But that's ok. I've got what I needed; I feel free from the shackles of fear about being alone and being scared that kept me bound to S, and also to Reading, and i'm just living life. Day by day. I'm still the same Mel, but I look back and I can see that over time, i've sculpted into a better person. Mel 2.0 - better, stronger, wiser.
Some of the things that I can look back and say that I have learned, i'm really proud of. I still have lots of bad habits - for example i don't give much money to charity, i'm materialistic (even though i KNOW the best things in life aren't things), i still care about what others think of me. I eat too much even though I have weight to lose, and i sometimes forget to remember other people's lives are as important as my own.
BUT.
I look back at who I was, and who I am, and I know that the difference is I am woman now. Before I was girl. I thought I was a grown-up, i was doing and saying all the right things, but i think you need the experiences to shape you. Examples:
I'm kind to people now. Not because i'm thinking 'oh look what a good person i am, and here is someone i can rattle on about my perfect life to, and feel sorry for them because they don't have a boyfriend since the beginning of time they will live forever with like i am' - (no, really, i was like that. I cringe to think about it now.) But instead it's because I realise we all have the same hopes and fears. Everyone carries secrets, and burdens, and everyone has value. Everyone's lives are interesting and meaningful, and you can learn something from everyone. I would have said I knew that before, but I was bluffing. I truly know it now.
I understand and accept that everything changes. I don't want to bore you with detail, and i don't really know much about this myself, but i think somewhere among being little and having my parents split up I got the idea that if nothing changes, everything is OK. And I took this literally, as an 8-year old would. Except I got to my mid-twenties before really challenging that belief. So I would use the same toilet cubicle at schools or restaurants. I would eat the same foods. I would want Christmas to be the same routine each year - old decorations, tree, roast dinner etc. I tried my hardest to keep everything as is. I felt that the key to 'being together forever' was just having nothing change - so pick a boy and stick with it. It scared me that many of my friends in relationships were prepared to move house, change jobs, have kids etc. - didn't they know they were fucking about with the formula - that they were bound to break up now because of what they have done?? I realise now that they just weren't being mental about it - life changes, and you have to flow along with it too. When we did break up, and everyone said 'life changes' i thought 'no you idiots, it stays the same, you just have to make it, and clearly you don't care enough to keep it that way.' But now, i do truly realise and understand that life DOES change. People change, and circumstances change, and all you can do is keep up your side of the bargain, be flexible and open and see what happens. Of course, i'm not saying this as an 'i'm ok with having loads of relationships break up' - but i understand more now that sometimes, things will just change and all you can do is try to accept it.
And ultimately, I can't stop my parents divorce from happening. This is really the summary point of everything that has led me here. People used to joke that I has a bit of a hippy, but now i'm single and can really take the time to know myself, i realise that i really kind of am. I don't know how spiritual or earthy i am, but I believe that all of my relationship and subsequent ending with S, was all designed to lead me to the path that ended up with me making the above statement. Like a downwards spiral, getting closer and closer each time. I don't think I realised when I started going out with S that I was subconsciously doing exactly what my mum had done - met someone young as a means of escape. She married hers (my dad) - and the subsequent fallout has produced aftershocks which rippled down to me. I think I was testing myself to see what I would do - to prove that I wasn't going to make her mistakes. I was going to get married young and stay married - that will prove her wrong! (not that she had asked me to prove a point - i think i have a deep fear that i will get divorced, and i didn't want to do the same). However, by staying with S and, if i had stayed with him and bought a house, got married etc. - i would have done exactly the same. It was this discovery, that in so many ways i was like my mum (able to end a relationship - and therefore i might leave a marriage. But also that in NOT marrying S, i was choosing my own path, and the right path) - which caused the catastrophic breakdown I had internally. And why it was so hard for me to come to terms with it.
But breaking up with S showed me that i'm stronger than I thought, that being alone isn't half as scary as thinking you are with someone for the wrong reasons, and that life does indeed go on. Over time being single, I have also realised that i can't use future relationships to right the wrongs of any in the past. And especially my parents. I can't be scared of relationships because they might lead a break-up or divorce, i just have to approach each one with an open heart and the strength to know if it doesn't last, it's ok. I can make it on my own. I remember the counsellor I did see saying to me 'you know, you aren't ever going to be 8 again. You won't be the passive bystander in the future. You will have some control. It isn't going to be the same again, or hurt the same again' - and I realise now he is right.
So - in a weird way I feel I have come full circle, from things that happened when I was so very young, and back to now. I can tell that things sit easy within me because I rarely/never think about S. I don't spend time wondering why I don't have a boyfriend - i just don't, and that's ok. Probably most important is that recently, I have been spending a lot of time on my own (new town, don't know many people) and before this would have made me so depressed, but now i'm fine with it. I think i'm at ease with myself. I certainly feel like i'm more Mel that ever before. I have freedom, and i don't need to do what people expect.
And with this outlook, I know I will be just fine. Sure, things might not go my way, and i'm sure there are bad things still to come which will rock my foundations to the core, but i can bounce back. :)
To anyone who might be reading this at the beginning of a similar journey to mine, good luck. Enjoy the process, and know that you will get there in time.
x
