This blog is my attempt at making sense of everything which has happened in 2011 - and hopefully building on it and moving forwards into 2012. I have no idea what shape and path this is going to take - positive, negative, ordinary, extraordinary, happy or sad - but I hope that by sharing this with others it helps to give me some perspective.
I never intended to end this relationship. In my mind we were going to be together until we died together - we had plans for a white house by the sea, numerous children and several dogs into the melee - and I loved every bit of this plan. Except - I always had a little doubt. He was, is, a true gentlemen - absolutely selfless, caring, giving and truly attentive. In the end this was what helped me to make my decision. I could not continue enjoying all of the love, affection and happiness which he showered me in while not feeling truly comfortable in accepting this and receiving it. It was a terribly difficult decision and one made harder by the fact that nothing had 'gone wrong'. I spent 6 weeks in the turmoil of anxiety - hyperventilating, not eating, stomach churning, pre-occupied thoughts - before making the difficult call to him to arrange to meet up.
It must have been awful for him - he had supported me so well throughout this period of anxiety - we both believed (I wanted to believe) that it was the stress of finishing uni, or getting a new job, being worried about committing to buying a house etc, but the sad truth was that it was the commitment to him which I couldn't manage. It is hard to write those words - I love him - even now, and probably always will - but ultimately it was my love for him which meant that I simply could not do it to us any longer.
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I have total respect for the way he handled it. He accepted it with no questioning, a few tears, and the ability and dignity to rub my back as I howled, praising my difficult decision and agreeing that it had been the right decision although I knew for him he felt it was not. He then walked me home.
The last few weeks have been spent in a bit of weird blur. Not only have I lost my partner, I have also lost my best friend, my soul mate and the person who I have shared all of my adult and late-teenage life with. Sometimes I think it would have been easier to deal with if he had died (although I should state, absolutely, that I would not wish this on anyone and certainly not him).
I have never really made a decision without him there - and yet suddenly I find myself all alone. I understand that I am not actually alone - I have friends, yes, and family. But in my heart I am alone - because He was always the one who shared all of my deep desires and thoughts - things which I had never told anyone else.
However - one of the things which He introduced me to during our happy 7 years - was the music of the Beatles; and it is their lyrics which will help me move forward. I have always had an inner hippy - and their songs about love I am hoping will encourage me during this time. Not only the belief that I may have this again with someone else, but that he will as well, and that what we had and have will never be anything less or more because of anything or anyone else.
Sometimes I wonder if I have made a mistake in giving up this relationship - but I know in my heart at the end that I wasn't pulling 100% - and again, I have to draw on the Beatles and Disney here - and know that 100% is what he and I deserve.
I find myself alone, scared and nervous as to what the future holds. I consider myself to be a positive person - so despite the hurt and tears which I know lay ahead, I am determined to try and make the most out of a bad situation. Stay tuned to see how it goes!
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