There are many things which this will probably teach me. I will probably learn some nice things about myself - and also some not so nice things. One thing which He described me and the making of my decision as was 'incredible and incredibly brave' - and that is probably the first compliment anyone has ever paid me which I have not swatted back off. I am amazed that I did it and this has shown me that I can be stronger than I think I am.
I am only a few weeks into this but I already feel I know of 10 truths about breaking up with someone you love - here they are:
No. 1
It is going to hurt. Absolutely. There is no escape from this - and that alone should provide some comfort. Alcohol, drugs etc may press the pause button - but you will still have to go through this at some point - so better to put your head down, grit your teeth and go for it. Similarly - without this hurt - there will be no moving on. It will feel uncomfortable, you may not like accessing such raw emotion - but let it happen. The cliche of time being a great healer is true - just let it roll by and see how things go. If it didn't hurt then it meant nothing to you - so acknowledge the hurt as proof of your feelings being strong.
No. 2
Any emotion goes. You might feel angry, sad, upset, devastated, relieved, guilty, scared, lonely, happy, excited. You may feel these one at time or all at once. You might not know how you feel. Sometimes you think you feel these the wrong way around. I felt relieved and numb for a few days - and then the hurt, upset, loneliness and guilt kicked in. There isn't a right or a wrong way to feel. I felt OK for the first 2 days - went out looking at cars, laughing away at home - before spending a week sleeping 12 hours a day and fighting back tears 24/7. Do things at your own pace - and crucially don't try and force any emotion or feel differently to how you do feel. All in good time. There is a difference between putting a brave face on and batting down feelings which will, eventually, re-surface.
No. 3
All in good time. I met a friend in town at the weekend and this was her advice. Don't do anything you don't feel like doing. Just because your single friend enjoys regular dates out with strangers - you don't have to. If you don't feel like 'getting back out there' yet then don't. Obviously no-one can tell you when you are ready to date again - you just have to take it as it comes. What I would say (and what I am trying to do myself) is just enjoy friendship as it comes - with no flirting but also, perhaps more crucially, with no 'back off I have just come out of a relationship leave me alone' vibes. The saying I heard was 'one day something amazingly exciting will happen to you. Live like it will happen tomorrow'. By this I mean - don't close off any opportunity just because you are hurting. Who knows? That offer to go to a rugby game could be the start of a new hobby - it could be meeting a new partner, or it could just be one fun afternoon and nothing else. But if you don't go? One rubbish afternoon.
No. 4
Moving on and letting go are part of breaking up and you shouldn't feel guilty. I feel this now so I can understand what I am saying. It is important to acknowledge that there would be more guilt in staying in a relationship where you feel it is not right. You also need to come to terms with the fact that in breaking-up, you have 'let go'. So don't beat yourself up about silly little things like not being able to delete his contact/facebook etc. The bigger gesture has already occurred. Suck it up and rip off the plaster. The reality is that unless you definitely plan to get back with him *right.this.second* you are going to have to do these things.
No. 5
Me! Me! Me! Right now the last thing you probably will want to do is think about you. You are probably sick of thinking about you. You, all on your own and lonely. BUT - and this is a big but - you have just made a massively big decision about the future. Your future and their future. It is natural to feel sad and depressed and not want to get out of your PJ's and beat yourself up incessantly about how evil and horrible you are - but stop and think. If a friend said she had just had the courage to quit a relationship she didn't think was working, would you want her to feel worthless? No - you would congratulate her on such a big decision. And you should congratulate yourself. Not in a 'Wahoo I'm so awesome I quit a relationship' type of way, but more of a 'Look - this was hard, and it will be hard - but why don't I just give myself a bit of a break for a while' type of way. I haven't actually made it to this step yet - but I will in time.
No. 6
Do not underestimate the value of friends and family. You will learn in time who your true friends are. During a difficult time you need to lean on your support network - find out who these are for you and don't be afraid to use them. True friends will not mind. And they may come in surprising places. Find friends who you know are single/have had a break-up. Let your coupled friends and joint friends know; all of these will help but in different ways. And lastly, fall back on your family. My family have definitely surprised me. My dad, who I have not been close to for years, has helped to keep me busy with kind words throughout. My mum's husband has been kind if not brutally honest in trying to push me forwards.
No. 7
Believe in yourself. Trust that you are making the right decision. It is very easy when the going gets tough to convince yourself that you have made the wrong decision, doubt your initial judgement and want to fold in moments of 'what if?'. But be strong! I write this for myself as much as anyone else reading. If it really was right - firstly you wouldn't have already broken up with them, and secondly if you truly *knew* in your heart it was right you wouldn't be here now - you would be attached to their leg convincing them it was all a massive mistake.
No. 8
Just put one foot in front of the other. Take each day as it comes. Just.keep.swimming. Eventually you will realise you are a little way from shore (here's hoping).
No. 9
Make lists. Make lots of lists if you like! Stay busy. Make a list of everything you would like to do in life. Take pleasure in ticking them off. Make a list of everything you have learnt from the past relationship and how you have changed for the better. Make a list of everything you didn't enjoy about your previous relationship or partner (it's ok to do this!) and use this as a tool for learning what you will and won't accept in a different relationship.
No. 10
Don't stop believing. Ever. Trust your gut. You can do it!
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