I wasn't hoping for anything from the trip - except a catch up with an old friend, some sunshine and just a chance to not work for a few days and sort myself out. Obviously, with recent events I was also hoping for some positive thoughts and frankly just someone to sit with and pour my heart out to.
And it was lovely. Emotional, tiring, scary, tearful, new, weird and lovely. Scary because I had to fly on my own which I never had done before - and more than the flight was just the sadness that this was how things would be done in future. Emotional because, hell, everything makes me emotional at the moment. Also weird because I haven't ever been to France before so I didn't know what to expect, and lovely because it was really nice to see my friend, get fed properly and have a chance to sleep and take stock.
Most days I read like mad - read 3 books in total and several magazines. Just to pass time and not be thinking which is all I seem to be doing. When I wasn't reading I was either eating with my friend, or out seeing France. Went out to Toulon for a day, sat by a port and ate some good falafel. Another day we went into the mountains and met my friends fiancee's parents. It was hot and they had a pool, some good wine. A fair bit of soul searching was done there - and I enjoyed trying to make conversation with the parents in broken French and English. I made a mental note to learn French in the future.
I also mostly tried to just enjoy my time. It's easier said than done when you have just gone through a big event, and sometimes it was impossible not to cry and enjoy the surroundings - but I really tried. It helped to be in the plane and see the big world, laid out like you see on an Atlas - and realise that the world is massive. It definitely provides some perspective. It also helped me to actually do something on my own and force a bit of independence. It sounds weird but since 17, 16 probably, I have always had someone else to consider, and someone else to do anything scary/big/difficult with me. As a result, I have always felt very dependent. Not that I minded whatsoever, in fact it is a lovely part of a relationship. But nonetheless - I secretly impressed myself with my ability to get myself on a plane without any major mishap. I had got to a state where I didn't do anything by myself - so it gave me a bit of confidence.
I should say here actually, that going away was definitely good for the soul. It helps to go to somewhere, preferably with someone or to meet someone who has either been through a similar situation, or has good words of advice and encouragement. Not necessarily someone who sits down handing out tissues saying 'yes, yes, poor you', but someone who is able to outline some positives, reinforce your decision and help you to feel a bit better about it.
Im probably babbling a bit here - but suffice to say that its still an uphill struggle, sometimes on a bike with no gears! - but little things can help. Looking at a blue sky, a blue pool, feeling the sunshine. All of these things can still be nice on your own. At that can help make you feel a little less alone. Chin up everyone! Au Revoir!
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