And back down we go.

I will keep it brief. Basically he called this week and wanted to meet up. When I saw the missed calls on my phone I felt sick. What did he want? Why was he doing this?

I called back and he asked to meet. Umm. I felt unsure. I didn't really want to 'go back there' - its too raw emotionally, ya know? But I did - because I owed it to him. I didn't want my decision to be swayed - I also wasn't sure what he was going to do or say. Truth be told - whether it was denial, shock or numbness - whatever - I had been slowly plodding along and I wasn't sure what this was going to do. I drove straight there - I felt weird about it, but not weird in some respects - he obviously hadn't turned into an alien!

I picked him up - in my car- which was awkward. We made difficult small talk until we got to the car park we had said we would go to. And we got there - and he cried. And cried, and cried. I felt like shit. To his credit he did not ask for me to go back to him - i think despite his grief he could see that wasn't the answer. I think he was just struggling with missing me all of the time - and felt he couldn't talk about it with anyone.

It was difficult. In some ways it was more difficult than I though - seeing him so sad and alone made my heart just break into a million different pieces - and suddenly we were back to being two scared teenagers. However other parts were a little easier. I have often gone back and forth about whether this decision has been the right one - and I had been concerned that I might, in the heat of the moment, try to change this to make him feel better. However, I proved to be strong enough that I did not feel that was the solution. I guess that says a lot.

I found it harder that evening and the following day. Seeing him just strengthened the tie backwards rather than forwards - and I promptly hopped back onto the white picket fence for a solid day and a half. I probably could have stayed there for several days, weeks, months, and it was for this reason that I picked up the phone to my lifeline. I should add at this point that everyone has someone who becomes their lifeline. For me it is my mums friend, who is a life coach. She doesn't provide sympathy, but more outlines situations and clear solutions which allows me to make my own decisions shaped by cold, hard facts and feelings. After a one and a half hour chat where I was told politely but firmly to get down off the fence onto the side which I knew was the right side, regardless of how hard it is - I put down the phone and went to bed. I don't necessarily enjoy chats with her - but I know it is what I need in moments of weakness/sadness. So at the moment - am I still on the fence? Yeah I guess. The fence isn't all that comfy though, so I will get down at some point. And I'm facing the right direction.

I leave with a quote from Helen Keller; 'When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us'.

Up and down and up and down

Sorry for not posting for a while - I guess life has a habit of demanding attention sometimes! Actually had a bit of an up and down week - sometimes feel OK, sometimes sad. Trying to stay busy and thinking positively helps, sure it does, but then sometimes you just feel rubbish and want to cry and feel sorry for yourself.

I still sometimes wonder if i have done the right thing. More in a - I can't imagine not being around him, nor can imagine being with anybody else - type way. Its obviously pretty normal behaviour to wonder if you have done the right thing I suppose. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life with crappy blokes always thinking 'why was I so bloody stupid not to see what a good thing was'! But similarly, I guess if I stayed with him and always just accepted that I had made my decision - in time I believe I would have got resentful - and I think I would always have wondered 'what if?' You know? I guess you always have a choice - so you will always wonder what the other road would have been like. As they say, 'C'est la vie!'

So what news? Well - as much as I had actively tried to avoid the cliche's about breaking up - I ended up going to the hairdressers today and getting the chop. Not as bold as I had thought about being - but actually it was quite refreshing. Now it feels shorter and swishy and I do recommend - if only so that you physically look 'moved on' - which I guess is how it got so popular. I also decided to go the whole hog and went 'one shade braver' on hair colour too - although that is still sat in the box waiting to be unleashed. Gotta keep hold of the hairdressers blow dry for as long as possible - you know how it is!

Also toyed with going to MAC and getting a whole new look - but lets face it - changing all external appearances doesn't make you stop hurting internally - so I will just stick with the hair for now. Plans for next week? Well - I figure it helps to stay positive :) going to throw myself into my work, eating well (i.e. healthily and regularly) - getting my gym induction, washing my car and making plans for the future.....and you should too!!

Laters

Marseille times

As part of an trip booked before the break-up - I travelled to meet my friend Esther, her daughter and her fiancee in sunny Marseille.

I wasn't hoping for anything from the trip - except a catch up with an old friend, some sunshine and just a chance to not work for a few days and sort myself out. Obviously, with recent events I was also hoping for some positive thoughts and frankly just someone to sit with and pour my heart out to.

And it was lovely. Emotional, tiring, scary, tearful, new, weird and lovely. Scary because I had to fly on my own which I never had done before - and more than the flight was just the sadness that this was how things would be done in future. Emotional because, hell, everything makes me emotional at the moment. Also weird because I haven't ever been to France before so I didn't know what to expect, and lovely because it was really nice to see my friend, get fed properly and have a chance to sleep and take stock.

Most days I read like mad - read 3 books in total and several magazines. Just to pass time and not be thinking which is all I seem to be doing. When I wasn't reading I was either eating with my friend, or out seeing France. Went out to Toulon for a day, sat by a port and ate some good falafel. Another day we went into the mountains and met my friends fiancee's parents. It was hot and they had a pool, some good wine. A fair bit of soul searching was done there - and I enjoyed trying to make conversation with the parents in broken French and English. I made a mental note to learn French in the future.

I also mostly tried to just enjoy my time. It's easier said than done when you have just gone through a big event, and sometimes it was impossible not to cry and enjoy the surroundings - but I really tried. It helped to be in the plane and see the big world, laid out like you see on an Atlas - and realise that the world is massive. It definitely provides some perspective. It also helped me to actually do something on my own and force a bit of independence. It sounds weird but since 17, 16 probably, I have always had someone else to consider, and someone else to do anything scary/big/difficult with me. As a result, I have always felt very dependent. Not that I minded whatsoever, in fact it is a lovely part of a relationship. But nonetheless - I secretly impressed myself with my ability to get myself on a plane without any major mishap. I had got to a state where I didn't do anything by myself - so it gave me a bit of confidence.

I should say here actually, that going away was definitely good for the soul. It helps to go to somewhere, preferably with someone or to meet someone who has either been through a similar situation, or has good words of advice and encouragement. Not necessarily someone who sits down handing out tissues saying 'yes, yes, poor you', but someone who is able to outline some positives, reinforce your decision and help you to feel a bit better about it.

Im probably babbling a bit here - but suffice to say that its still an uphill struggle, sometimes on a bike with no gears! - but little things can help. Looking at a blue sky, a blue pool, feeling the sunshine. All of these things can still be nice on your own. At that can help make you feel a little less alone. Chin up everyone! Au Revoir!