And back down we go.

I will keep it brief. Basically he called this week and wanted to meet up. When I saw the missed calls on my phone I felt sick. What did he want? Why was he doing this?

I called back and he asked to meet. Umm. I felt unsure. I didn't really want to 'go back there' - its too raw emotionally, ya know? But I did - because I owed it to him. I didn't want my decision to be swayed - I also wasn't sure what he was going to do or say. Truth be told - whether it was denial, shock or numbness - whatever - I had been slowly plodding along and I wasn't sure what this was going to do. I drove straight there - I felt weird about it, but not weird in some respects - he obviously hadn't turned into an alien!

I picked him up - in my car- which was awkward. We made difficult small talk until we got to the car park we had said we would go to. And we got there - and he cried. And cried, and cried. I felt like shit. To his credit he did not ask for me to go back to him - i think despite his grief he could see that wasn't the answer. I think he was just struggling with missing me all of the time - and felt he couldn't talk about it with anyone.

It was difficult. In some ways it was more difficult than I though - seeing him so sad and alone made my heart just break into a million different pieces - and suddenly we were back to being two scared teenagers. However other parts were a little easier. I have often gone back and forth about whether this decision has been the right one - and I had been concerned that I might, in the heat of the moment, try to change this to make him feel better. However, I proved to be strong enough that I did not feel that was the solution. I guess that says a lot.

I found it harder that evening and the following day. Seeing him just strengthened the tie backwards rather than forwards - and I promptly hopped back onto the white picket fence for a solid day and a half. I probably could have stayed there for several days, weeks, months, and it was for this reason that I picked up the phone to my lifeline. I should add at this point that everyone has someone who becomes their lifeline. For me it is my mums friend, who is a life coach. She doesn't provide sympathy, but more outlines situations and clear solutions which allows me to make my own decisions shaped by cold, hard facts and feelings. After a one and a half hour chat where I was told politely but firmly to get down off the fence onto the side which I knew was the right side, regardless of how hard it is - I put down the phone and went to bed. I don't necessarily enjoy chats with her - but I know it is what I need in moments of weakness/sadness. So at the moment - am I still on the fence? Yeah I guess. The fence isn't all that comfy though, so I will get down at some point. And I'm facing the right direction.

I leave with a quote from Helen Keller; 'When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us'.

Up and down and up and down

Sorry for not posting for a while - I guess life has a habit of demanding attention sometimes! Actually had a bit of an up and down week - sometimes feel OK, sometimes sad. Trying to stay busy and thinking positively helps, sure it does, but then sometimes you just feel rubbish and want to cry and feel sorry for yourself.

I still sometimes wonder if i have done the right thing. More in a - I can't imagine not being around him, nor can imagine being with anybody else - type way. Its obviously pretty normal behaviour to wonder if you have done the right thing I suppose. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life with crappy blokes always thinking 'why was I so bloody stupid not to see what a good thing was'! But similarly, I guess if I stayed with him and always just accepted that I had made my decision - in time I believe I would have got resentful - and I think I would always have wondered 'what if?' You know? I guess you always have a choice - so you will always wonder what the other road would have been like. As they say, 'C'est la vie!'

So what news? Well - as much as I had actively tried to avoid the cliche's about breaking up - I ended up going to the hairdressers today and getting the chop. Not as bold as I had thought about being - but actually it was quite refreshing. Now it feels shorter and swishy and I do recommend - if only so that you physically look 'moved on' - which I guess is how it got so popular. I also decided to go the whole hog and went 'one shade braver' on hair colour too - although that is still sat in the box waiting to be unleashed. Gotta keep hold of the hairdressers blow dry for as long as possible - you know how it is!

Also toyed with going to MAC and getting a whole new look - but lets face it - changing all external appearances doesn't make you stop hurting internally - so I will just stick with the hair for now. Plans for next week? Well - I figure it helps to stay positive :) going to throw myself into my work, eating well (i.e. healthily and regularly) - getting my gym induction, washing my car and making plans for the future.....and you should too!!

Laters

Marseille times

As part of an trip booked before the break-up - I travelled to meet my friend Esther, her daughter and her fiancee in sunny Marseille.

I wasn't hoping for anything from the trip - except a catch up with an old friend, some sunshine and just a chance to not work for a few days and sort myself out. Obviously, with recent events I was also hoping for some positive thoughts and frankly just someone to sit with and pour my heart out to.

And it was lovely. Emotional, tiring, scary, tearful, new, weird and lovely. Scary because I had to fly on my own which I never had done before - and more than the flight was just the sadness that this was how things would be done in future. Emotional because, hell, everything makes me emotional at the moment. Also weird because I haven't ever been to France before so I didn't know what to expect, and lovely because it was really nice to see my friend, get fed properly and have a chance to sleep and take stock.

Most days I read like mad - read 3 books in total and several magazines. Just to pass time and not be thinking which is all I seem to be doing. When I wasn't reading I was either eating with my friend, or out seeing France. Went out to Toulon for a day, sat by a port and ate some good falafel. Another day we went into the mountains and met my friends fiancee's parents. It was hot and they had a pool, some good wine. A fair bit of soul searching was done there - and I enjoyed trying to make conversation with the parents in broken French and English. I made a mental note to learn French in the future.

I also mostly tried to just enjoy my time. It's easier said than done when you have just gone through a big event, and sometimes it was impossible not to cry and enjoy the surroundings - but I really tried. It helped to be in the plane and see the big world, laid out like you see on an Atlas - and realise that the world is massive. It definitely provides some perspective. It also helped me to actually do something on my own and force a bit of independence. It sounds weird but since 17, 16 probably, I have always had someone else to consider, and someone else to do anything scary/big/difficult with me. As a result, I have always felt very dependent. Not that I minded whatsoever, in fact it is a lovely part of a relationship. But nonetheless - I secretly impressed myself with my ability to get myself on a plane without any major mishap. I had got to a state where I didn't do anything by myself - so it gave me a bit of confidence.

I should say here actually, that going away was definitely good for the soul. It helps to go to somewhere, preferably with someone or to meet someone who has either been through a similar situation, or has good words of advice and encouragement. Not necessarily someone who sits down handing out tissues saying 'yes, yes, poor you', but someone who is able to outline some positives, reinforce your decision and help you to feel a bit better about it.

Im probably babbling a bit here - but suffice to say that its still an uphill struggle, sometimes on a bike with no gears! - but little things can help. Looking at a blue sky, a blue pool, feeling the sunshine. All of these things can still be nice on your own. At that can help make you feel a little less alone. Chin up everyone! Au Revoir!

10 tips

Following on from the introductory post - I should note that breaking up with someone after a long-term relationship is probably the single most difficult thing to deal with in life - bar someone actually dying. Although it is fair to describe breaking-up as a sort of bereavement. The rug has been pulled from under my feet - I am essentially the same person - but at the same time a whole different person.

There are many things which this will probably teach me. I will probably learn some nice things about myself - and also some not so nice things. One thing which He described me and the making of my decision as was 'incredible and incredibly brave' - and that is probably the first compliment anyone has ever paid me which I have not swatted back off. I am amazed that I did it and this has shown me that I can be stronger than I think I am.

I am only a few weeks into this but I already feel I know of 10 truths about breaking up with someone you love - here they are:

No. 1

It is going to hurt. Absolutely. There is no escape from this - and that alone should provide some comfort. Alcohol, drugs etc may press the pause button - but you will still have to go through this at some point - so better to put your head down, grit your teeth and go for it. Similarly - without this hurt - there will be no moving on. It will feel uncomfortable, you may not like accessing such raw emotion - but let it happen. The cliche of time being a great healer is true - just let it roll by and see how things go. If it didn't hurt then it meant nothing to you - so acknowledge the hurt as proof of your feelings being strong.

No. 2

Any emotion goes. You might feel angry, sad, upset, devastated, relieved, guilty, scared, lonely, happy, excited. You may feel these one at time or all at once. You might not know how you feel. Sometimes you think you feel these the wrong way around. I felt relieved and numb for a few days - and then the hurt, upset, loneliness and guilt kicked in. There isn't a right or a wrong way to feel. I felt OK for the first 2 days - went out looking at cars, laughing away at home - before spending a week sleeping 12 hours a day and fighting back tears 24/7. Do things at your own pace - and crucially don't try and force any emotion or feel differently to how you do feel. All in good time. There is a difference between putting a brave face on and batting down feelings which will, eventually, re-surface.

No. 3

All in good time. I met a friend in town at the weekend and this was her advice. Don't do anything you don't feel like doing. Just because your single friend enjoys regular dates out with strangers - you don't have to. If you don't feel like 'getting back out there' yet then don't. Obviously no-one can tell you when you are ready to date again - you just have to take it as it comes. What I would say (and what I am trying to do myself) is just enjoy friendship as it comes - with no flirting but also, perhaps more crucially, with no 'back off I have just come out of a relationship leave me alone' vibes. The saying I heard was 'one day something amazingly exciting will happen to you. Live like it will happen tomorrow'. By this I mean - don't close off any opportunity just because you are hurting. Who knows? That offer to go to a rugby game could be the start of a new hobby - it could be meeting a new partner, or it could just be one fun afternoon and nothing else. But if you don't go? One rubbish afternoon.

No. 4

Moving on and letting go are part of breaking up and you shouldn't feel guilty. I feel this now so I can understand what I am saying. It is important to acknowledge that there would be more guilt in staying in a relationship where you feel it is not right. You also need to come to terms with the fact that in breaking-up, you have 'let go'. So don't beat yourself up about silly little things like not being able to delete his contact/facebook etc. The bigger gesture has already occurred. Suck it up and rip off the plaster. The reality is that unless you definitely plan to get back with him *right.this.second* you are going to have to do these things.

No. 5

Me! Me! Me! Right now the last thing you probably will want to do is think about you. You are probably sick of thinking about you. You, all on your own and lonely. BUT - and this is a big but - you have just made a massively big decision about the future. Your future and their future. It is natural to feel sad and depressed and not want to get out of your PJ's and beat yourself up incessantly about how evil and horrible you are - but stop and think. If a friend said she had just had the courage to quit a relationship she didn't think was working, would you want her to feel worthless? No - you would congratulate her on such a big decision. And you should congratulate yourself. Not in a 'Wahoo I'm so awesome I quit a relationship' type of way, but more of a 'Look - this was hard, and it will be hard - but why don't I just give myself a bit of a break for a while' type of way. I haven't actually made it to this step yet - but I will in time.

No. 6

Do not underestimate the value of friends and family. You will learn in time who your true friends are. During a difficult time you need to lean on your support network - find out who these are for you and don't be afraid to use them. True friends will not mind. And they may come in surprising places. Find friends who you know are single/have had a break-up. Let your coupled friends and joint friends know; all of these will help but in different ways. And lastly, fall back on your family. My family have definitely surprised me. My dad, who I have not been close to for years, has helped to keep me busy with kind words throughout. My mum's husband has been kind if not brutally honest in trying to push me forwards.

No. 7

Believe in yourself. Trust that you are making the right decision. It is very easy when the going gets tough to convince yourself that you have made the wrong decision, doubt your initial judgement and want to fold in moments of 'what if?'. But be strong! I write this for myself as much as anyone else reading. If it really was right - firstly you wouldn't have already broken up with them, and secondly if you truly *knew* in your heart it was right you wouldn't be here now - you would be attached to their leg convincing them it was all a massive mistake.

No. 8

Just put one foot in front of the other. Take each day as it comes. Just.keep.swimming. Eventually you will realise you are a little way from shore (here's hoping).

No. 9

Make lists. Make lots of lists if you like! Stay busy. Make a list of everything you would like to do in life. Take pleasure in ticking them off. Make a list of everything you have learnt from the past relationship and how you have changed for the better. Make a list of everything you didn't enjoy about your previous relationship or partner (it's ok to do this!) and use this as a tool for learning what you will and won't accept in a different relationship.

No. 10

Don't stop believing. Ever. Trust your gut. You can do it!

Start at the beginning

I should begin by providing a brief summary of life up to now. I have a sister, divorced parents, a step-mum, step-dad, 2 half-brothers and 2 dogs. I went to primary and secondary school and then to uni with a bit of part-time work thrown in. I graduated uni and got a job in my chosen career path. So far, so normal. Where it gets different is that from the age of 17 I had been in the same, long-term relationship for the last seven years. Until a few weeks ago.

This blog is my attempt at making sense of everything which has happened in 2011 - and hopefully building on it and moving forwards into 2012. I have no idea what shape and path this is going to take - positive, negative, ordinary, extraordinary, happy or sad - but I hope that by sharing this with others it helps to give me some perspective.

I never intended to end this relationship. In my mind we were going to be together until we died together - we had plans for a white house by the sea, numerous children and several dogs into the melee - and I loved every bit of this plan. Except - I always had a little doubt. He was, is, a true gentlemen - absolutely selfless, caring, giving and truly attentive. In the end this was what helped me to make my decision. I could not continue enjoying all of the love, affection and happiness which he showered me in while not feeling truly comfortable in accepting this and receiving it. It was a terribly difficult decision and one made harder by the fact that nothing had 'gone wrong'. I spent 6 weeks in the turmoil of anxiety - hyperventilating, not eating, stomach churning, pre-occupied thoughts - before making the difficult call to him to arrange to meet up.

It must have been awful for him - he had supported me so well throughout this period of anxiety - we both believed (I wanted to believe) that it was the stress of finishing uni, or getting a new job, being worried about committing to buying a house etc, but the sad truth was that it was the commitment to him which I couldn't manage. It is hard to write those words - I love him - even now, and probably always will - but ultimately it was my love for him which meant that I simply could not do it to us any longer.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I have total respect for the way he handled it. He accepted it with no questioning, a few tears, and the ability and dignity to rub my back as I howled, praising my difficult decision and agreeing that it had been the right decision although I knew for him he felt it was not. He then walked me home.

The last few weeks have been spent in a bit of weird blur. Not only have I lost my partner, I have also lost my best friend, my soul mate and the person who I have shared all of my adult and late-teenage life with. Sometimes I think it would have been easier to deal with if he had died (although I should state, absolutely, that I would not wish this on anyone and certainly not him).

I have never really made a decision without him there - and yet suddenly I find myself all alone. I understand that I am not actually alone - I have friends, yes, and family. But in my heart I am alone - because He was always the one who shared all of my deep desires and thoughts - things which I had never told anyone else.

However - one of the things which He introduced me to during our happy 7 years - was the music of the Beatles; and it is their lyrics which will help me move forward. I have always had an inner hippy - and their songs about love I am hoping will encourage me during this time. Not only the belief that I may have this again with someone else, but that he will as well, and that what we had and have will never be anything less or more because of anything or anyone else.

Sometimes I wonder if I have made a mistake in giving up this relationship - but I know in my heart at the end that I wasn't pulling 100% - and again, I have to draw on the Beatles and Disney here - and know that 100% is what he and I deserve.

I find myself alone, scared and nervous as to what the future holds. I consider myself to be a positive person - so despite the hurt and tears which I know lay ahead, I am determined to try and make the most out of a bad situation. Stay tuned to see how it goes!