A late update!

A very late update!

I was on Blogspot, updating another blog of mine when I saw this one. I almost deleted it without reading, but then curiosity got the better of me. It was like opening the window into my mind all those times ago!
After reading, I felt that I owed the blog an update, at the very least. So here I am!

It's now May 2014 - and in August it will be 3 years since the break-up. I remember at the time, wondering where I would be in 3 years, and if I am honest, I thought/hoped it would be with someone else, and planning for a future together. You know the Rolling Stones song 'You can't always get what you want'? The main lyrics, if I remember rightly, seem to be:

 'You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need'

Well, in hindsight I can say that's exactly what's happened to me. Although I haven't wound up with what I wanted - three years on I have what I needed to happen.

So, for a quick rundown on the previous post, this is what has been going on in the life of Mel:

 - I did move in with my friend. Not for long though. 3 glorious months spent in her beautiful flat before she announced that she wanted her friend to move in, in the August. I decided I would start looking around for a new place (panicked that I would be moving out on my own, that I had shot myself in the foot, etc. etc.) and managed to find a great houseshare.

 - Spent 18 awesome months in that houseshare; sure, the house was lousy in parts and my room was a fraction smaller than a matchbox, but the people made it. We went out until 3 in the morning, ate chips in bed, drank Coronas on the roof of the Anderson shelter in the summer, BBQ'ed every meal we ate in good weather. It was the student-y experience I needed I think. I was also FULLY independent for the first time (well, as independent as you can get when you live 2 miles away from parents). But I had to learn when things needed cleaning, fix things when they broke, ask people for help to fix things, look after all my stuff etc. It felt good.

 - I worked really hard at my job some days, and not so much at others. But I learnt lots, and was friendly to everyone I met. Other friends were leapfrogging me in salary, but I knew I was onto a good thing. Not many people enjoy going into work every day, and I wanted that luxury.

 - Some friends came and some friend went. I've stayed friends with everyone from skiing (in fact, we have been another 2 times since then - oh yeah, and I've learnt to snowboard!) but others I have naturally drifted apart from. Some old friends have come back into the picture. 'Old Me' (B.B - or before break-up) would have said that you could stay friends with everyone and if you didn't, you were just careless. But i've learnt that you can only be responsible for your side of the friendship. Some have just moved onwards and that's ok. Time has taught me that there is a difference between the real friends and the acquaintances, and whilst I would hope that real friends can weather the test of time, i'm ok with others moving on through life.

 - I've dated a bit. Very sporadically though. And i've had my heart broken in a very similar set-up to what happened with S, except that I know this was one of those 'until you learn, you keep making the same mistake' type thing - as much as i instinctively wanted to get straight back into the safety and security of what I had with S, I know it's not right. Sorry, that's quite cryptic. But yes - I've had a couple of godawful blind dates, and a couple through free dating sites (not much better), and a couple of 'lovely but not for me' types.
In the beginning I was doing it to show willing - and because I had this agenda that I 'must find someone and settle down and be normal again like everyone else' - even though I wasn't quite ready. In the last month or two though I have realised that I am ready. For anyone reading this wanting to know 'how do you know?' - it probably varies, but for me, the fact that i am just interested to meet people with no agenda, and get to know them rather than checking that their responses match up with what i expect to hear, is a good sign that i'm open to what might come my way. :)

 - The first of the two big announcements in this update comes here - I upped and moved away! Yep, after 27 years (ish) living in Reading, I finally but some big girl pants on and made the move. A combination of things helped to give me a bit of a shove. Although I loved my job, it wasn't really getting me anywhere nutritionally, and i didn't think i wanted to work in marketing. So i was at a bit of a crossroads. I had done my best to ignore that for a bit, but when push came to shove I knew I wanted to use my degree. I started looking for jobs and quickly realised that most of the nutrition vacancies were going to involve a move. I tried not to think about that, but instead just applied for the jobs I was interested in and told myself I would cross that bridge when it came to it. Eventually I was offered a job in London - and I just knew that even though I was scared shitless, I had to do it. Another one of the lessons I have learnt along the way is trust your gut. It knows. And even though my brain had a million billion doubts about the whole thing and could conjure up scenarios and some (pretty good) reasons why I shouldn't do it - when I was alone, in the bath (seemingly where i do all my thinking and decision making) - i knew what i was going to do it.

 - The second of the big anouncements is - i'm finally over it. AND, just like all the blogs I read right at the beginning, and the advice columns I clung to for words of wisdom - you don't just wake up and go 'ok i'm over it now, done, bye-bye feelings!' - what happened for me is that I was walking along London's Southbank heading home when I just realised that it has happened. No big fanfare, no pat on the back, not even a feeling of euphoria. Just the slow, creeping realisation that although he had been a big part of my life, and i loved him and no doubt he helped shape me into who I am today - i've moved past that now and i'm living my own life.

Like I say, you don't always get what you want. I haven't met another man who I wish to be with, much less have my life figured out (but i'm beginning to think that's all bogus anyway - i'm much more cynical of those who claim to have their life figured out - are you a fortune teller?!). To be honest i barely know what i'm up to day to day, let alone longer term. But that's ok. I've got what I needed; I feel free from the shackles of fear about being alone and being scared that kept me bound to S, and also to Reading, and i'm just living life. Day by day. I'm still the same Mel, but I look back and I can see that over time, i've sculpted into a better person. Mel 2.0 - better, stronger, wiser.

Some of the things that I can look back and say that I have learned, i'm really proud of. I still have lots of bad habits - for example i don't give much money to charity, i'm materialistic (even though i KNOW the best things in life aren't things), i still care about what others think of me. I eat too much even though I have weight to lose, and i sometimes forget to remember other people's lives are as important as my own.

BUT.

I look back at who I was, and who I am, and I know that the difference is I am woman now. Before I was girl. I thought I was a grown-up, i was doing and saying all the right things, but i think you need the experiences to shape you. Examples:

I'm kind to people now. Not because i'm thinking 'oh look what a good person i am, and here is someone i can rattle on about my perfect life to, and feel sorry for them because they don't have a boyfriend since the beginning of time they will live forever with like i am' - (no, really, i was like that. I cringe to think about it now.) But instead it's because I realise we all have the same hopes and fears. Everyone carries secrets, and burdens, and everyone has value. Everyone's lives are interesting and meaningful, and you can learn something from everyone. I would have said I knew that before, but I was bluffing. I truly know it now.

I understand and accept that everything changes. I don't want to bore you with detail, and i don't really know much about this myself, but i think somewhere among being little and having my parents split up I got the idea that if nothing changes, everything is OK. And I took this literally, as an 8-year old would. Except I got to my mid-twenties before really challenging that belief. So I would use the same toilet cubicle at schools or restaurants. I would eat the same foods. I would want Christmas to be the same routine each year - old decorations, tree, roast dinner etc. I tried my hardest to keep everything as is. I felt that the key to 'being together forever' was just having nothing change - so pick a boy and stick with it. It scared me that many of my friends in relationships were prepared to move house, change jobs, have kids etc. - didn't they know they were fucking about with the formula - that they were bound to break up now because of what they have done?? I realise now that they just weren't being mental about it - life changes, and you have to flow along with it too. When we did break up, and everyone said 'life changes' i thought 'no you idiots, it stays the same, you just have to make it, and clearly you don't care enough to keep it that way.' But now, i do truly realise and understand that life DOES change. People change, and circumstances change, and all you can do is keep up your side of the bargain, be flexible and open and see what happens. Of course, i'm not saying this as an 'i'm ok with having loads of relationships break up' - but i understand more now that sometimes, things will just change and all you can do is try to accept it.

And ultimately, I can't stop my parents divorce from happening. This is really the summary point of everything that has led me here. People used to joke that I has a bit of a hippy, but now i'm single and can really take the time to know myself, i realise that i really kind of am. I don't know how spiritual or earthy i am, but I believe that all of my relationship and subsequent ending with S, was all designed to lead me to the path that ended up with me making the above statement. Like a downwards spiral, getting closer and closer each time. I don't think I realised when I started going out with S that I was subconsciously doing exactly what my mum had done - met someone young as a means of escape. She married hers (my dad) - and the subsequent fallout has produced aftershocks which rippled down to me. I think I was testing myself to see what I would do - to prove that I wasn't going to make her mistakes. I was going to get married young and stay married - that will prove her wrong! (not that she had asked me to prove a point - i think i have a deep fear that i will get divorced, and i didn't want to do the same). However, by staying with S and, if i had stayed with him and bought a house, got married etc. - i would have done exactly the same. It was this discovery, that in so many ways i was like my mum (able to end a relationship - and therefore i might leave a marriage. But also that in NOT marrying S, i was choosing my own path, and the right path) - which caused the catastrophic breakdown I had internally. And why it was so hard for me to come to terms with it.

But breaking up with S showed me that i'm stronger than I thought, that being alone isn't half as scary as thinking you are with someone for the wrong reasons, and that life does indeed go on. Over time being single, I have also realised that i can't use future relationships to right the wrongs of any in the past. And especially my parents. I can't be scared of relationships because they might lead  a break-up or divorce, i just have to approach each one with an open heart and the strength to know if it doesn't last, it's ok. I can make it on my own. I remember the counsellor I did see saying to me 'you know, you aren't ever going to be 8 again. You won't be the passive bystander in the future. You will have some control. It isn't going to be the same again, or hurt the same again' - and I realise now he is right.

So - in a weird way I feel I have come full circle, from things that happened when I was so very young, and back to now. I can tell that things sit easy within me because I rarely/never think about S. I don't spend time wondering why I don't have a boyfriend - i just don't, and that's ok. Probably most important is that recently, I have been spending a lot of time on my own (new town, don't know many people) and before this would have made me so depressed, but now i'm fine with it. I think i'm at ease with myself. I certainly feel like i'm more Mel that ever before. I have freedom, and i don't need to do what people expect.

And with this outlook, I know I will be just fine. Sure, things might not go my way, and i'm sure there are bad things still to come which will rock my foundations to the core, but i can bounce back. :)

To anyone who might be reading this at the beginning of a similar journey to mine, good luck. Enjoy the process, and know that you will get there in time.

x

It's been a long time..

So it's been a while since I last posted. A lot has happened in some ways, and not much in others! (Not meaning to be cryptic). I have definitely accepted what has happened now. It's funny because I spent ages trying to work out how i reached a decision (even though I already had, maybe I was looking for acceptance?) and then eventually I just started going through the motions, going out with friends, usual day-to-day stuff.....and then it just started to slowly happen. I can't pinpoint the exact moment or time it happened, and there certainly wasn't a Eureka moment. I guess the passage of time just did its thing.

Thats not to say that I don't still pine for what we had sometimes, and I do still worry about what is in store for the future. But overall I have just got used to my new living.

To bring you quickly up to speed several things happened. We spoke on xmas (v emotional but nice) and I made the decision to move out and in with a friend (moving in date 3 weeks time - yikes!) A big big step for me as I haven't moved out of home before - but even though I am breaking several of my own rules (no renting, moving in with a friend) and there are lots of things to worry about (i.e. being skint broke, potentially being homeless in august, cutting the apron strings once and for all) i'm actually looking forward to it. I know, weird right?

I have several friends who I can meet up with and have done pretty regularly, as well as going on a big group ski trip next friday. There has been a potential person but after a v brief dalliance he decided i didnt know what I want (probably quite an accurate assessment) so back to friends we go.

In other world news I have booked a ticket to a festival in Spain in July with a girlfriend after we both decided to make our new years resolution 'Be awesome' - so sunnier climes will soon be calling! Also my sister is getting married and my step brother has moved back home after his fiance called off their relationship.

So all change where we are! I guess thats just how it works. I hate change, probably always will and Im always very nervous and resistant to do anything unless I have the option of 'going back' but I am beginning to see that the world will never remain still and problems start to occur when you refuse to change with it.

Work is going well, recently got a payrise and starting to get into the swing of it a lot more. I have a gorgeous new car which I enjoy getting into each day so I guess you could say life is going alright.

I do regret what I had to do at times, and I still don't sleep very well. I have my days of getting teary and upset and I am currently waiting for some counseling - although whereas before i wanted help in coming to terms with my decision I think now I just want to know why i did what i did and why i feel how i feel now. A bit of objectivity never hurt anyone so I think it could be a real insight.

Anyway - I write this as I wolf down a sandwich at work so I will get back to the hard work. I will try and remember to update this a bit more regularly now..but then I might be having too much fun! x

And back down we go.

I will keep it brief. Basically he called this week and wanted to meet up. When I saw the missed calls on my phone I felt sick. What did he want? Why was he doing this?

I called back and he asked to meet. Umm. I felt unsure. I didn't really want to 'go back there' - its too raw emotionally, ya know? But I did - because I owed it to him. I didn't want my decision to be swayed - I also wasn't sure what he was going to do or say. Truth be told - whether it was denial, shock or numbness - whatever - I had been slowly plodding along and I wasn't sure what this was going to do. I drove straight there - I felt weird about it, but not weird in some respects - he obviously hadn't turned into an alien!

I picked him up - in my car- which was awkward. We made difficult small talk until we got to the car park we had said we would go to. And we got there - and he cried. And cried, and cried. I felt like shit. To his credit he did not ask for me to go back to him - i think despite his grief he could see that wasn't the answer. I think he was just struggling with missing me all of the time - and felt he couldn't talk about it with anyone.

It was difficult. In some ways it was more difficult than I though - seeing him so sad and alone made my heart just break into a million different pieces - and suddenly we were back to being two scared teenagers. However other parts were a little easier. I have often gone back and forth about whether this decision has been the right one - and I had been concerned that I might, in the heat of the moment, try to change this to make him feel better. However, I proved to be strong enough that I did not feel that was the solution. I guess that says a lot.

I found it harder that evening and the following day. Seeing him just strengthened the tie backwards rather than forwards - and I promptly hopped back onto the white picket fence for a solid day and a half. I probably could have stayed there for several days, weeks, months, and it was for this reason that I picked up the phone to my lifeline. I should add at this point that everyone has someone who becomes their lifeline. For me it is my mums friend, who is a life coach. She doesn't provide sympathy, but more outlines situations and clear solutions which allows me to make my own decisions shaped by cold, hard facts and feelings. After a one and a half hour chat where I was told politely but firmly to get down off the fence onto the side which I knew was the right side, regardless of how hard it is - I put down the phone and went to bed. I don't necessarily enjoy chats with her - but I know it is what I need in moments of weakness/sadness. So at the moment - am I still on the fence? Yeah I guess. The fence isn't all that comfy though, so I will get down at some point. And I'm facing the right direction.

I leave with a quote from Helen Keller; 'When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us'.

Up and down and up and down

Sorry for not posting for a while - I guess life has a habit of demanding attention sometimes! Actually had a bit of an up and down week - sometimes feel OK, sometimes sad. Trying to stay busy and thinking positively helps, sure it does, but then sometimes you just feel rubbish and want to cry and feel sorry for yourself.

I still sometimes wonder if i have done the right thing. More in a - I can't imagine not being around him, nor can imagine being with anybody else - type way. Its obviously pretty normal behaviour to wonder if you have done the right thing I suppose. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life with crappy blokes always thinking 'why was I so bloody stupid not to see what a good thing was'! But similarly, I guess if I stayed with him and always just accepted that I had made my decision - in time I believe I would have got resentful - and I think I would always have wondered 'what if?' You know? I guess you always have a choice - so you will always wonder what the other road would have been like. As they say, 'C'est la vie!'

So what news? Well - as much as I had actively tried to avoid the cliche's about breaking up - I ended up going to the hairdressers today and getting the chop. Not as bold as I had thought about being - but actually it was quite refreshing. Now it feels shorter and swishy and I do recommend - if only so that you physically look 'moved on' - which I guess is how it got so popular. I also decided to go the whole hog and went 'one shade braver' on hair colour too - although that is still sat in the box waiting to be unleashed. Gotta keep hold of the hairdressers blow dry for as long as possible - you know how it is!

Also toyed with going to MAC and getting a whole new look - but lets face it - changing all external appearances doesn't make you stop hurting internally - so I will just stick with the hair for now. Plans for next week? Well - I figure it helps to stay positive :) going to throw myself into my work, eating well (i.e. healthily and regularly) - getting my gym induction, washing my car and making plans for the future.....and you should too!!

Laters

Marseille times

As part of an trip booked before the break-up - I travelled to meet my friend Esther, her daughter and her fiancee in sunny Marseille.

I wasn't hoping for anything from the trip - except a catch up with an old friend, some sunshine and just a chance to not work for a few days and sort myself out. Obviously, with recent events I was also hoping for some positive thoughts and frankly just someone to sit with and pour my heart out to.

And it was lovely. Emotional, tiring, scary, tearful, new, weird and lovely. Scary because I had to fly on my own which I never had done before - and more than the flight was just the sadness that this was how things would be done in future. Emotional because, hell, everything makes me emotional at the moment. Also weird because I haven't ever been to France before so I didn't know what to expect, and lovely because it was really nice to see my friend, get fed properly and have a chance to sleep and take stock.

Most days I read like mad - read 3 books in total and several magazines. Just to pass time and not be thinking which is all I seem to be doing. When I wasn't reading I was either eating with my friend, or out seeing France. Went out to Toulon for a day, sat by a port and ate some good falafel. Another day we went into the mountains and met my friends fiancee's parents. It was hot and they had a pool, some good wine. A fair bit of soul searching was done there - and I enjoyed trying to make conversation with the parents in broken French and English. I made a mental note to learn French in the future.

I also mostly tried to just enjoy my time. It's easier said than done when you have just gone through a big event, and sometimes it was impossible not to cry and enjoy the surroundings - but I really tried. It helped to be in the plane and see the big world, laid out like you see on an Atlas - and realise that the world is massive. It definitely provides some perspective. It also helped me to actually do something on my own and force a bit of independence. It sounds weird but since 17, 16 probably, I have always had someone else to consider, and someone else to do anything scary/big/difficult with me. As a result, I have always felt very dependent. Not that I minded whatsoever, in fact it is a lovely part of a relationship. But nonetheless - I secretly impressed myself with my ability to get myself on a plane without any major mishap. I had got to a state where I didn't do anything by myself - so it gave me a bit of confidence.

I should say here actually, that going away was definitely good for the soul. It helps to go to somewhere, preferably with someone or to meet someone who has either been through a similar situation, or has good words of advice and encouragement. Not necessarily someone who sits down handing out tissues saying 'yes, yes, poor you', but someone who is able to outline some positives, reinforce your decision and help you to feel a bit better about it.

Im probably babbling a bit here - but suffice to say that its still an uphill struggle, sometimes on a bike with no gears! - but little things can help. Looking at a blue sky, a blue pool, feeling the sunshine. All of these things can still be nice on your own. At that can help make you feel a little less alone. Chin up everyone! Au Revoir!

10 tips

Following on from the introductory post - I should note that breaking up with someone after a long-term relationship is probably the single most difficult thing to deal with in life - bar someone actually dying. Although it is fair to describe breaking-up as a sort of bereavement. The rug has been pulled from under my feet - I am essentially the same person - but at the same time a whole different person.

There are many things which this will probably teach me. I will probably learn some nice things about myself - and also some not so nice things. One thing which He described me and the making of my decision as was 'incredible and incredibly brave' - and that is probably the first compliment anyone has ever paid me which I have not swatted back off. I am amazed that I did it and this has shown me that I can be stronger than I think I am.

I am only a few weeks into this but I already feel I know of 10 truths about breaking up with someone you love - here they are:

No. 1

It is going to hurt. Absolutely. There is no escape from this - and that alone should provide some comfort. Alcohol, drugs etc may press the pause button - but you will still have to go through this at some point - so better to put your head down, grit your teeth and go for it. Similarly - without this hurt - there will be no moving on. It will feel uncomfortable, you may not like accessing such raw emotion - but let it happen. The cliche of time being a great healer is true - just let it roll by and see how things go. If it didn't hurt then it meant nothing to you - so acknowledge the hurt as proof of your feelings being strong.

No. 2

Any emotion goes. You might feel angry, sad, upset, devastated, relieved, guilty, scared, lonely, happy, excited. You may feel these one at time or all at once. You might not know how you feel. Sometimes you think you feel these the wrong way around. I felt relieved and numb for a few days - and then the hurt, upset, loneliness and guilt kicked in. There isn't a right or a wrong way to feel. I felt OK for the first 2 days - went out looking at cars, laughing away at home - before spending a week sleeping 12 hours a day and fighting back tears 24/7. Do things at your own pace - and crucially don't try and force any emotion or feel differently to how you do feel. All in good time. There is a difference between putting a brave face on and batting down feelings which will, eventually, re-surface.

No. 3

All in good time. I met a friend in town at the weekend and this was her advice. Don't do anything you don't feel like doing. Just because your single friend enjoys regular dates out with strangers - you don't have to. If you don't feel like 'getting back out there' yet then don't. Obviously no-one can tell you when you are ready to date again - you just have to take it as it comes. What I would say (and what I am trying to do myself) is just enjoy friendship as it comes - with no flirting but also, perhaps more crucially, with no 'back off I have just come out of a relationship leave me alone' vibes. The saying I heard was 'one day something amazingly exciting will happen to you. Live like it will happen tomorrow'. By this I mean - don't close off any opportunity just because you are hurting. Who knows? That offer to go to a rugby game could be the start of a new hobby - it could be meeting a new partner, or it could just be one fun afternoon and nothing else. But if you don't go? One rubbish afternoon.

No. 4

Moving on and letting go are part of breaking up and you shouldn't feel guilty. I feel this now so I can understand what I am saying. It is important to acknowledge that there would be more guilt in staying in a relationship where you feel it is not right. You also need to come to terms with the fact that in breaking-up, you have 'let go'. So don't beat yourself up about silly little things like not being able to delete his contact/facebook etc. The bigger gesture has already occurred. Suck it up and rip off the plaster. The reality is that unless you definitely plan to get back with him *right.this.second* you are going to have to do these things.

No. 5

Me! Me! Me! Right now the last thing you probably will want to do is think about you. You are probably sick of thinking about you. You, all on your own and lonely. BUT - and this is a big but - you have just made a massively big decision about the future. Your future and their future. It is natural to feel sad and depressed and not want to get out of your PJ's and beat yourself up incessantly about how evil and horrible you are - but stop and think. If a friend said she had just had the courage to quit a relationship she didn't think was working, would you want her to feel worthless? No - you would congratulate her on such a big decision. And you should congratulate yourself. Not in a 'Wahoo I'm so awesome I quit a relationship' type of way, but more of a 'Look - this was hard, and it will be hard - but why don't I just give myself a bit of a break for a while' type of way. I haven't actually made it to this step yet - but I will in time.

No. 6

Do not underestimate the value of friends and family. You will learn in time who your true friends are. During a difficult time you need to lean on your support network - find out who these are for you and don't be afraid to use them. True friends will not mind. And they may come in surprising places. Find friends who you know are single/have had a break-up. Let your coupled friends and joint friends know; all of these will help but in different ways. And lastly, fall back on your family. My family have definitely surprised me. My dad, who I have not been close to for years, has helped to keep me busy with kind words throughout. My mum's husband has been kind if not brutally honest in trying to push me forwards.

No. 7

Believe in yourself. Trust that you are making the right decision. It is very easy when the going gets tough to convince yourself that you have made the wrong decision, doubt your initial judgement and want to fold in moments of 'what if?'. But be strong! I write this for myself as much as anyone else reading. If it really was right - firstly you wouldn't have already broken up with them, and secondly if you truly *knew* in your heart it was right you wouldn't be here now - you would be attached to their leg convincing them it was all a massive mistake.

No. 8

Just put one foot in front of the other. Take each day as it comes. Just.keep.swimming. Eventually you will realise you are a little way from shore (here's hoping).

No. 9

Make lists. Make lots of lists if you like! Stay busy. Make a list of everything you would like to do in life. Take pleasure in ticking them off. Make a list of everything you have learnt from the past relationship and how you have changed for the better. Make a list of everything you didn't enjoy about your previous relationship or partner (it's ok to do this!) and use this as a tool for learning what you will and won't accept in a different relationship.

No. 10

Don't stop believing. Ever. Trust your gut. You can do it!

Start at the beginning

I should begin by providing a brief summary of life up to now. I have a sister, divorced parents, a step-mum, step-dad, 2 half-brothers and 2 dogs. I went to primary and secondary school and then to uni with a bit of part-time work thrown in. I graduated uni and got a job in my chosen career path. So far, so normal. Where it gets different is that from the age of 17 I had been in the same, long-term relationship for the last seven years. Until a few weeks ago.

This blog is my attempt at making sense of everything which has happened in 2011 - and hopefully building on it and moving forwards into 2012. I have no idea what shape and path this is going to take - positive, negative, ordinary, extraordinary, happy or sad - but I hope that by sharing this with others it helps to give me some perspective.

I never intended to end this relationship. In my mind we were going to be together until we died together - we had plans for a white house by the sea, numerous children and several dogs into the melee - and I loved every bit of this plan. Except - I always had a little doubt. He was, is, a true gentlemen - absolutely selfless, caring, giving and truly attentive. In the end this was what helped me to make my decision. I could not continue enjoying all of the love, affection and happiness which he showered me in while not feeling truly comfortable in accepting this and receiving it. It was a terribly difficult decision and one made harder by the fact that nothing had 'gone wrong'. I spent 6 weeks in the turmoil of anxiety - hyperventilating, not eating, stomach churning, pre-occupied thoughts - before making the difficult call to him to arrange to meet up.

It must have been awful for him - he had supported me so well throughout this period of anxiety - we both believed (I wanted to believe) that it was the stress of finishing uni, or getting a new job, being worried about committing to buying a house etc, but the sad truth was that it was the commitment to him which I couldn't manage. It is hard to write those words - I love him - even now, and probably always will - but ultimately it was my love for him which meant that I simply could not do it to us any longer.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I have total respect for the way he handled it. He accepted it with no questioning, a few tears, and the ability and dignity to rub my back as I howled, praising my difficult decision and agreeing that it had been the right decision although I knew for him he felt it was not. He then walked me home.

The last few weeks have been spent in a bit of weird blur. Not only have I lost my partner, I have also lost my best friend, my soul mate and the person who I have shared all of my adult and late-teenage life with. Sometimes I think it would have been easier to deal with if he had died (although I should state, absolutely, that I would not wish this on anyone and certainly not him).

I have never really made a decision without him there - and yet suddenly I find myself all alone. I understand that I am not actually alone - I have friends, yes, and family. But in my heart I am alone - because He was always the one who shared all of my deep desires and thoughts - things which I had never told anyone else.

However - one of the things which He introduced me to during our happy 7 years - was the music of the Beatles; and it is their lyrics which will help me move forward. I have always had an inner hippy - and their songs about love I am hoping will encourage me during this time. Not only the belief that I may have this again with someone else, but that he will as well, and that what we had and have will never be anything less or more because of anything or anyone else.

Sometimes I wonder if I have made a mistake in giving up this relationship - but I know in my heart at the end that I wasn't pulling 100% - and again, I have to draw on the Beatles and Disney here - and know that 100% is what he and I deserve.

I find myself alone, scared and nervous as to what the future holds. I consider myself to be a positive person - so despite the hurt and tears which I know lay ahead, I am determined to try and make the most out of a bad situation. Stay tuned to see how it goes!